A Complaint

[Raedwulf]

We have every reason to believe that the letter attached below is genuine. It has the stench of evil (Chanel No.5) upon it. A suitably diplomatic reply is being prepared (no, Rhy, "Up yours, gitface" may be honest, but it is not diplomatic. Patience!).

[Raedwulf]

To Rhyaehar and Angrenel,

So-called Leaders of the Alliance currently committing sundry acts of violence and minor vandalism in the vicinity of Southern Mirkwood,

I am commanded by the Lieutenant of Dol Guldur to write to you this letter of complaint regarding your recent activities (too many instances to list). As the steward of His Most Estimable Master; the Lord of Darkness, Despair, Cruelty, and Unpleasant Things Bobbing Around in the Midden; he feels compelled to protest the current invasion of his home & manor by assorted and diverse ruffians apparently at your command, and must protest the wanton trespass and destruction caused by your company.

My master is a fair man of a fair spirit. He is willing to concede that the Southern Mirkwood is plagued with unhealthy pools, twisted trees, and malevolent wildlife. But that's no reason why you lot should turn up to trash His Lorship's Country Seat. A Dark Lord's castle is His Home, don't you know!

Admittedly, the crawlers in the western bogs are out of control, and the wolves of the Dourstocks breed like rabbits. Astonishing, really, considering the lack of rabbits. In thinning their numbers you do perform a small service, for which he is suitably grateful. This, however, does not entitle you to encroach upon his personal demesne. His long-held dreams of verdant gardens and flourishing beds of flowers are now wrecked by the trampling of many booted feet. It is not to be borne!

As if the encroachment upon the grounds was not enough, you even have the temerity to commit breaking and entering. The other sundry injuries and slights seemingly not sufficient, the Lieutenant tells me that even the Arena is not fit for his Lordship's pleasure. Where He was wont to go to view diverse of his servants at Healthful Sport for His perver Diversion, is now a scene of destruction & stench.

Not content with wrecking the fixtures & fittings, you even encourage those wretched hobbit-folk to smoke within My Master's Halls! Are you blind to the revolting aroma this leaves? The unpleasant patina this applies to His vaulted ceilings? The difficulty of cleaning up the mess? Those horrid little creatures knock their pipe-dottle out willy-nilly, causing untold fires & scorches upon the tiled floors. Worse! Do you have any idea how many poor unfortunate orcs have died in their devoted efforts to clean the ceiling? They are such clumsy creatures, and do fall from the ropes. We would send the more agile goblins up, but alas, their tongues are less rough & unsuited to the the task of licking the ceiling clean. Though we have offered to cut the tongues from the orcs to give to the goblins, the orcs will not hear of their service being usurped and swarm eagerly to the ropes to show their devotion to His Darkness. Alas, they make such a fearful splatter when they then hit the floor.

Therefore, we would be most grateful if you would see your way to ceasing your unprovoked incursions upon My Master's grounds. In return, he is quite prepared not to unleash his most fearful vengeance upon you, viz a lawsuit prepared by the Estimable Mortirith, Durgul, and Sons, of Dol Amroth.

With the deepest repsects, etc,

Gorothul, for the Lieutenant of Dol Guldur

[Rhyaehar]

Up yours, gitface.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go read your scribbles when the foul stench of your breath has stopped polluting the air in here. In other words, OUT!

[Tevra]

Haha! I think we all knew it was only a matter of time until 'Raedwulf' graduated from evil inner voices to actual distinct personalities

If I remember correctly, Anaeth picked closest to 8-Feb in the sweepstakes? ... and requested for the prize money to be donated to her favourite charity: 'Corsets for Dwarves'! :?

[Rhyaehar]

Now that the stench of Orc and Fell-beast dung has cleared, here is the answer to present to your master.

Dear Lord of Darkness, Despair, Cruelty, and Unpleasant Things Bobbing Around in the Midden,

I wish to congratulate you on your excellent letter. The vast majority of documents we secured off the bodies of your Orcs were mere ineligible scribble, save the odd note they no doubt pried from the hands of dead Elves. It is good to know that the illusion of education and culture still persists within the armies of Sauron.

Now, to address your complaint. I'm deeply touched by your wish for gardens, flower beds and natural beauty in Mirkwood. Such desires are worth considering. Consider them hereby considered and also granted. Lush green fields, gardens and more shall come to Mirkwood. We shall have peace.

There is however, the small problem known as "Orcs" and other foul creatures. They insist on attacking our patrols, retreating to the safety of your home when we pursue them. I cannot allow such violent and cowardous acts to go unpunished. Not only do they make the peace and quiet in Mirkwood impossible, they also piss me off.

So, I have a proposition for you. You will meet us in our camp, alone, to negotiate the terms of your surrender. Tell your foul beast to hurl itself onto some sharp rocks and tell your Orcs and related nuisances a nose-dive off a cliff.

We'll promise to keep the ceiling nice and polished though, after you're dead. We can send a few hobbits up there.

With regards,
Rhyaehar

[Abarax]

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm convinced. Death to the hobbi....what?

[Raedwulf]

Another one has turned up. Since it's addressed to gitfa Rhyaehar, I'll let him deal with it!

To Rhyaehar,

Thank the Dark Lord that someone manages to preserve the illusion of education & culture, since you, quite obviously, do not! "Ineligible scribble"? You meant, presumably, illegible scribble? "Cowardous"? Those with a basic education in Westron say cowardly. Dear oh dear. And this is what we face, is it? Moronic thugs without the wit to realise that the current lack of peace is entirely down to their own trespass & criminal activity?

So be it! You will be hearing from our lawyers shortly, sir!

With the deepest repsects, etc,

Gorothul, for the Lieutenant of Dol Guldur